this is nice

I don't really know if anyone actually reads this site. I honestly don't care so much...its nice to be able to just talk....say how I feel.

Currently..I am lost in life. I can't get a job anywhere. its so hard out there. my resume is a good resume. but i lack in certain departments which i guess is part of why i can't get a job. like I don't know excel for anything...most admin jobs require knowing that...but the thing is...I DON'T WANT TO WORK IN ADMIN/OFFICE/CORPORATE CRAP!!!! I just want to have a job that is fun to go to, that pays my bills and keeps me happy. I wish someone would just hire me to be a personal assistant or something. just something.

life is hard right now. I miss my dad. I wish he was here to help me figure out all this shit. I turned to him for advice on everything in my life. now I feel lost and unsure and insecure and just fucking lost.

lifa was enver this hard with all these decisions to be made and problems to be solved...im not saying that my life was easy, cuz if I actually thought about my life I would think it has been hard as can be to live...but I am happy for every day I get, living healthy and happy and strong.

i feel like we made a mistake moving back...we should have stuck it out one more year. but my dad died and I wanted to be with my friends and family. I wants to be close with them. it was the right decision at the time, but now its different....ok so I am totally NOT the shoulda coulda woulda kind of girl.it WAS the right thing to do at the time. now we just need something different.

i hope something positive comes to us quickly...WE NEED something happy and exciting. I need a break from here already...we;ve barely been back 6 months...we are so fucking broke and its so stressful...i hate how much we all need money in order to survive in order to live....in order to be happy.

I recite the serenity prayer all the time...you have to in such craziness.

GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

ONE DAY AT A TIME> how I live my life.

peace out to all my non readers...I'll be back soon

xoox

~@

4 years later...still going strong

ok so I totally forgot I even started this blog. I was writing a post for my other blog amandacakes and realized I was signed in to this blog instead...old email account I checked last night must have stayed signed in...

Wow so much has happened in 4 years. I actually just passed my 7 year mark since my transplant. :) My kidney is still going strong and kicking. my creatine is 1.2 Makes me a bit nervous looking back and seeing it was 1.03 a few years ago, but i'm staying positive and I am with in range.

I was living in Cincinnati, Ohio for 2 years and just moved back to CT. My husbands job (yeah you know that guy Duncan i was so in love with back then...yeah hes my husband now! I KNEW IT!) brought us to Cincinnati it was good to get away from CT for a while...its def been a hard 2 years though. Timing was horrible, or maybe it was good I don't know.

Duncan and I got married Feb 13, 2009 the day after I turned 30!!!! it was crazy! I'm so happy he's my husband. i see more and more everyday how wonderful he is. I hope we can have kids soon. He will make an amazing dad for sure.

My grandmother Bernice had COPD for a few years...she was so sweet. She passed away March 14, 2010. I was there when she went. I know she's happy in heaven now...no tubes, no pain, no pills...eating whatever she wants. :)

My dad got diagnosed with cancer about 3 years ago. Bladder. He had a long hard battle and was in remission for almost a year when it came back. The doctors gave him 6 months to live...he passed away 5 months later...............................................I'll get into it all at another time.

devastated.

Duncan and I are in the process of trying to have kids. Nothing yet. My periods have been irregular since I moved to Cincinnati. The doctors are pretty confident that I can get prego...I just hope it happens soon. Im so ready. I think it will also do a lot of good for my family. Something to look forward to...exciting...positive.

well, now that i have remembered i have this blog (and that no one knows about it....) im gonna post as I go. Feeling thoughts experiences etc.

thanks for reading....

@

Glamour interrupted....

i am reading a book called Glamour, Interrupted by Steven "Cojo" Cojocaru. He's a famous fashion guy who had a kidney disease and had 2 transplants!!! omg 2!!! i can't even imagine. His first one was rejected...I haven't gotten to that part yet...i just know from when it happened.
This book has been great for me to read. Although i'm not a guy and I didn't have the same disease as him, it's really great to read someone else write about what I went through! No matter what, unless you've been through it, you can't really tell me you know how i feel! no one can relate!!! I have to say one of the hardest things is not having someone fully understand. Even the random people that have had transplants that I do talk to...it's always "yeah but you know what happened to me?" like there situation is more important than mine...which i guess in their eyes it is, as my situation is more important than anyone elses...but it still be nice to just have someone with a bit more knowledge. whatever. I'm really not one to complain about it. I'm happy i had my transplant. I really believe things happen for a reason. I was MENT to have this happen to me. Trust when I say..it definately was GLAMOUR INTERRUPTED!! haha
i was 18 post high school graduate about to start my second term @ NCC when I got sick!!!

I was young hot skinny as can be...smoked ciggs, didn't give a fuck about much! This whole sickness changed me. It made me really appreciate things. As i've gotten older I really have always tried to stay honest with MYSELF about what I want from life. I want to be happy.
I am in this great relationship right now. Duncan is amazing!!! xxxx I cannot get over how wonderful he is sometimes!! Would I be lying if I said I didn't want to marry him and have his kids? i would LOVE that!!!! BUt I am content and really truly happy right NOW with what we have. If my desire for those things get stronger..then i'll worry about that then.

Fathers day is coming up. I got my dad a DVD season 1. WOO HOO! Dad gave me a kidney I give him a dvd!!! lol

Doesn't make sence huh. What do you get him? How do you say thatnks for being such a great dad...AND A LIFE SAVER!!! i mean really...no matter how many Sting cd's I buy..it will never be enough! lol

I really love my dad.

I cannot express how much he means to me...even minus the whole kidney thing.

He's amazing. STRONG. tough yet loving. Never met a man like him. prolly never will. He is one of a kind in so many ways. I hope I make him proud. Do i make him proud? Which would be better? thinking hes proud when in reality he thinks i could do better with everyhting...Or knowing that hes not proud of things ive done...but at least the honesty is there. why the hell am i thinking that? anyways....

Well i'm gonna go to bed now.

I hope I write again soon...like in a few days!!!!!

xoxo~@

wow it's been a while huh? i have a good job @ zimmer+rohde. its a company that sells way expencive fabric to the trade only. i'm at work now and prolly should be working! haha. I got blood results a few weeks ago and I am as healthy as I ever have been! my creatine level is 1.03 the lowest it's ever been!!!!! YAY!! i feel really good. i've been consistantly working out adn it really makes a difference! i make smoothies almost every morning of berries/low fat yogurt/and juice and it has helped me to really be focused. when i don't have it or i don't work out i feel like shit i have to say! i feel really good that i've also really made a commitment and am doing it!



I have to take calcium pills now. my medication strips my body of it. not good! its so strange to me that you take a prescription drug that is supposed to help you but the side effects sometimes are un-fucking-believeable. the meds i'm on that i have to tkae fo rthe rest of my life have a side effect of INCREASED SKIN CANCER /OVARIAN CANCER/INSOMNIA/ACNE

WTF!!!! that is justs nuts to me.



i really try to not focus on these things. i try to enjoy what ihave now. its important to me to really focus on the good ihave from this all. i've never been sad or negative about getting sick. IT HAPPENED FOR A REASON.



i have to clean my damn closet again. i don't understand how it continues to get soo damn messy! i wear the same fucking clothes all the time!!! grrrrrr ahahahhaha i have a cake this weekend. i'll see if i can post it on here. that would be cool. i really want to try to write on here. not that anyone right now knows about me having this...not that anyone might actually be interested in my life but...you never know!

first1

so this is my blog that will be about life as seen through my kidney. I had a kidney transplant June 11, 2004. 3 years ago. My dad gave me his. it was an interesting experience. i remember going to the hospital early that morning, and not being nervous at all. i was pretty calm. but i was crying when my dad said bye and was on the way to the operating room. that was scary. b/c what if something had gone wrong? it was all b/c of me!! i would have never been able to live with myself. even though i know he chose to do it himself and that in his eyes there wasn't another way. he HAD to do it. i am forever grateful for him doing that. giving my dad a CD on fathers day seems so stupid now. but how do you say thanks? Thanks for saving my life...thanks for giving me life...AGAIN!



Tonia and Maryellen (sisters) named my kidney. the first Christmas after my transplant i get this card in the mail addressed to AMANDREW. my dad called me up and was like...ummm i don't know if this is for you or for me...you see my dads name is Andrew and i'm Amanda. apparently Maryellen and Tonia decided to smoosh them together and there it was. Amandrew. my dad says it gay b/c its a boy kidney and b/c i like boys, that makes amandrew gay. i love his humor. but then again everything is gay in my dads eyes. haha!